[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
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I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles