Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
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Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself