BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
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My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.