In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
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You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Where’s my employee discount too?
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Me sliding into hell like
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.