ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
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My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don鈥檛 even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what鈥檚 best for me.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 馃檨
I鈥檝e been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as 鈥渢he aluminum foil”
Don鈥檛 worry, you鈥檙e not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can鈥檛 eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!