[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
You Might Also Like
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
2 years later
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.