[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
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Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.