[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
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aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
A drum solo but on your face.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.