The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
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If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu