It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
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coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
welcome back
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”