@geniusindisgize
@walks_on_legs What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
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@walks_on_legs 
@TheAlexP Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
@Reverend_Scott HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
@gogs_shush I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
@daemonic3 Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
@Loli_Sug I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
@zoebread brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
@GoldenSpirals I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
@sixfootcandy [family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
@Smooheed *orders delivery*
