I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
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hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?