I’m a kleptomaniac

It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it

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What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?


Girl seeing my torn jeans

Where’d you get those?!

*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*

The Gap.



Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.

*flips table into moon*

Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.


I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.


Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf


I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?


I’m sticking to my guns.

I really should have washed my hands after I ate.


[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.