A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
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ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
I think the cat got the dog high.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.