Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]

“The”

*bounce*

“British”

*bounce*

“are”

*bounce*

“coming!!”

*bounce*
*bounce*

I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me

me: [crying] it came outta nowhere

tour guide: a spider?

me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen

guide: [panicking] omg a snake?

me: razor-sharp claws

guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?

me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle

Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-

Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion

MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point

Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.

Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone

Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.

Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”

Cyclops: Wow

If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.

Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.

You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.

If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?

If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again

DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT

I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.

I live life as a yeti now.

Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.

Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.

Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself

me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.

wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.

Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.

*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*

KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework

KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song

I’m excuse, what’s your drunk

does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?

“I’m really good in bed”

-Ice cream

PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em

If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”

Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert

Trying

Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.