I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
You Might Also Like
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
🙋♀️
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
the three branches of government
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.