Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
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Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Traveler’s camo
Danger is very dangerous
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
At Walmart during the holidays like..
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
no their not
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Coffee is ready.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
The Birdles
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right