*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
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If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.