horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?

deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day

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I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.


A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.


What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.


My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.


Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.


Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.


Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.


The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.


I found a message in a bottle. It said:

“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”