horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
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Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.