@English_Channel

horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?

deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day

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@traciebreaux

I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.

@SonOfCha

A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.

@Traceylei2

What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.

@donni

My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.

@UluwatuSiap

Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.

@ParaJanitor

Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.

@ilovepie84

Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.

@EliTerry

The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.

@ShotOfBull

I found a message in a bottle. It said:

“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”