Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
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I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.