Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.

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i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults


Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*


When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.

I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?


“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”


My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest


Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥


While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times


I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her


Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.