ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
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Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Favourite diary entry ever
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
That’s enough internet for the day
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?