Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
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i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
🔦🌙👣
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.