Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
![]()
You Might Also Like
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
![]()
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
![]()
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.