Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE

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So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.


Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.


Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.


Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?


The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”


*goes to the gym*

*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*

*hurries to the bar*


Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.


Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”


Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.