Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
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My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
Thursday Thought.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Who does Amazon think I am?
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to