I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
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On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
We need more people like this.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore