I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
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The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.