Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
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Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Personal question. #JustSaying
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids