I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
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12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Please do it!
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean