ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
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Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there