“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
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I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Very good! 👍😂
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.