Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
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I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them