Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
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Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN