Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
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HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’