Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox

WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.

ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??

Judge: you’ve been charged with assault

Batman: you mean battery

Judge: no it was physical assault

Batman: *whispers* batsault

They should invent clothes that get fat with you

If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.

sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are

it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once

The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.

Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.

I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.

[text]

Me: Where are you?

Boy: home

Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.

[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]

This raises questions

barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??

ken:

barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*

At a doctor appointment:

“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”

HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!

Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.

Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.

At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real

[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your leg

Patient: It’s only a sore throat!

Me: I just really want to try out my new saw

If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.

ME: we need to talk

BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—

ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all

I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.

[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t

This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.

“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”

Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.

*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles

All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.

Genie: last wish

Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat

Genie: ooh, good one