My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
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doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.