sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
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Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe