Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
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Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
This forever.
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I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
My kid & I are trying to decide on a movie to watch while we eat s’mores in our blanket fort.
He suggested a horror movie & then tells me “I’ll call it horrs and smores!”
No, son, I don’t think we will call it that.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
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McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
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F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
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I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?