Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
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all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic