Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now

Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.

Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:

1. You have something you want to do.

2. You write code to do it.

3. The code doesn’t work.

4. You fix the mistakes.

5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.

6. You fix the idea.

7. Goto 2.

I believe in workplace drug testing.

That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.

Let’s test which one works faster.

Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.

True statement👍😏😁

dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests

date 5: i don’t think the moon is real

I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life

me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?

I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.

the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”

At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.

inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?

According to all these BMI charts…

I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.

Don’t we all.

I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.

[crashing my bike]

spin class instructor: how did you do that

[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*

“How are you doing on Depends bud?”

Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever

Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.

20s: insufficient funds

30s: insufficient fun

Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.

I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.

[inventing the boomerang]

OH SHIT, IT’S BACK

“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.

Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.

Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.

My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.

god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast

angel: and so wild

god: only a lunatic would ride one

angel: are you—

god: —ima make a lunatic

Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?

Me: Great question Dave.