My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
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I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!