I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
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What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
look at me when i’m typing to you