*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
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I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.