wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
You Might Also Like
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.