I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
You Might Also Like
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
I beg your pardon?
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu