At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
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I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.