On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
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The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.