Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
You Might Also Like
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Only Americans understand
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”