When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
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Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
That time Alicia messaged me
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link