So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
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ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
can you read it!!??
maan!
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Lol
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows