Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
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-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest