My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
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HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.