Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
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Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
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3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
I can fix him.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you