Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
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Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
According to math, I’m broke
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.