Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
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Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
I have two kinds of followers
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
This one’s “Alex”.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
I hate everything