Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
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I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.