Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
You Might Also Like
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
Straight people are cancelled
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.