I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
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Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
IT’S-A ME,
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.